Sixty Free Tips for New Pastors-to-Be
In just a few more days, our two LCMS seminaries will be placing interns (vicars) into a year-long immersion program and 4th year soon-to-be graduates in their first congregation. Led by the Holy Spirit, after prayerful consideration, the two schools will be sending these men out all across the country and, in a few cases, the world.
This year marks the 25th year since I received my placement to Grace Lutheran Church in Crockett, Texas. A lot of (baptismal) water has flowed under the bridge since then. I've married and buried; baptized and confirmed; laughed, cried, and been absolutely silent in the holiness of the moment. I have lost track of the miles traveled to hospitals, nursing homes, and houses, the hours of meetings, and phone conversations. Needless to say, the number is somewhere between "a lot" and "a whole bunch." I will be eternally grateful to those people in East Texas who were patient with a certain, know-it-all rookie who quickly realized just how much he didn't know.
Now, with a quarter century of experience, I feel I am qualified to offer a list of Sixty Free Tips for Pastors-To-Be. Most of these are practical, but I am willing to bet a pack of Wrigley's Gum that they were not discussed in Pastoral Theology or Pastoral Ministry classes, or whatever the newest iteration of those classes might be called. Few of these are theological, per se - no real encouragements for prayer lists, or devotion books - just nuts and bolts stuff.
This stems from one specific story. I had a prof at the sem (see #17) who insisted that we not get distracted by miniscule stuff. "Your job is ministry," he said. "Let the laypeople do the things they need to do so you can focus on yours." He wasn't wrong, per se, but he wasn't right either. I was in my first parish a few weeks when a massive wind storm hit, knocking branches out of the trees into the yard. It looked terrible. Remembering the sage's advice, I called the trustee and told him of the problem. "Ok," he said, as in "Ok, so what?" I insinuated that the branches were an eyesore and needed to be removed promptly. "I work," he said, "could it wait until Saturday?" I assured him that it was a mess and the property needed to look its best, so after work that evening would be fine. I didn't look to see that he lived 30 minutes away, or find out that he worked as a bus driver and had to be up early for the next morning. My foolish demand, based on a professor's model, put a real wrinkle in our working relationship. It took several months, and me participating in the fall clean up/work day, before he stopped referring to me as "the pastor," as in, "well, that's what 'the pastor' said," with the same tone as one would say "the litterbox" or "the transmission."
So, with that as my back-story, I offer these to you. If you know a young pastoral graduate, perhaps share these with him. But if you do that, do it with the same act of love towards him as you hope he will demonstrate toward you.
These are in no particular order, but with the exception of the Bonus, I hope I saved the best for last with #60.
2. Learn some basic IT skills. Especially in small parishes, you will likely be the IT person.
3. Listen a lot. Find a coffee shop where old-timers go (like a Dairy Queen or Hardee's) and just go and listen in. Take something to do, so your eavesdropping is less obvious, but listen to their stories, especially if community and family. If, some day, you are so fortunate to be invited into the conversation, still do 4x the listening for every word you speak.
4. Be humble. Yes, you are well educated and trained but you do not have to pretend you are *cough* that professor who constantly reminds you how genius he is.
5. Ask questions. This spurs from #2 and #3. Play reporter. "Tell me about..." and "Help me understand..." keeps you learning.
6. Ask for help. You are not the Lone Ranger. This includes not only from fellow pastors but also your lay people and community professionals (ie, therapists).
7. There are also times to just do it yourself, without complaints, without fanfare. If you are in a small parish, you will wear a lot of hats. Get used to it. Sure, there are things that can be delegated out (folding bulletins, for example. There is probably someone who would love to be asked to fold bulletins because it lets them give back to the church they love.) but there are things you will just do - even some things you never imagined. See #27, below
8. Balance being tough with being vulnerable. There are times for each, and people with whom you can be one or the other; occasionally, both.
9. Be cautious in trusting others, especially with vulnerability and highly personal issues. "I had a bad night and didn't sleep well" is a far cry from "my wife and I had a four-hour fight about our finances, and I'm scared to death..."
10. After one of your first church meals, join the ladies in the kitchen and help do the dishes and take out the trash. Do that every now and then.
11. Help the altar guild. If you have "teams," rotate around and get to know the ladies and let them talk with you. Listen to their traditions before you expect it done your way. Yeah, there is a time and place for "by the book," but sometimes it's OK to go along with a tradition.
12. Don't take it - whatever "it" is - personally. Easier said than done. When you feel insulted, sit with it for a while: is it really you? Is the assessment fair? Get a second opinion from someone you trust and who isn't biased - in other words, not your wife.
13. If you have a good secretary/office assistant - even part time - she is worth her weight in gold. Treat her well. Put "administrative assistant day" on your calendar (hint: it's in April) along with her birthday, and treat her to either lunch or nice flowers, and recognize her after church for her work.
14. Be appreciative when volunteers do things around the church - especially those who are often overlooked. A hand-written "thank you" note means more than you know. Don't forget Sunday school teachers, sound crew, and organist! Along that line...
15. Hand-written notes are powerful. Buy good paper or note cards and a good pen. Send them for special anniversary/remembrance days, thank you's, "just thinking of you" type cards. If nothing else, keep miscellaneous cards in your drawer for those kind of moments. See #35.
16. Your wife is your greatest strength and ally. Treat her as such. So-called "little things" aren't little at all. Never underestimate a small bundle of carnations, a card, and a foot rub. Date nights are huge - even if all you can afford is a McDonalds ice cream cone, get out of the house and don't talk shop. If she makes a public mistake, defend her publicly, tooth & nail. Do not talk to her about it until later, when things have settled down, and then only with her. If necessary, get an elder to be an intermediary so you can be her husband first and foremost.
17. Your kids are your second greatest gift. Your kid will (negatively) remember you missing their game or recital longer than you think. I'm not talking about emergencies. Play with them, read to them, do homework with them, go to their events. Within reason, skip meetings to do these things, and do it unapologetically. Like your wife, defend them publicly. Do not be brow-beaten by "that's now how our last Pastor's family did it."
18. Speaking of wife, try to find another couple you can be friends with, double-date, or trade babysitting - preferably outside of church - where you can be Jack & Jill, not Pastor & Wife.
19. Find a hobby, skill, or interest outside of theology, preferably something that has a tangible result. For example, mowing the lawn gives you a great sense of purpose and accomplishment - even if you hate yard work. I like woodworking. My brother gardens. A friend bicycles. Bonus points if it's something you and your spouse do together -- take a cooking class, for example, or hiking.
20. Get dirty. If you've never done dirty, sweaty, manual scut work, do it before ordination. Be a server at a restaurant or catering event. Work sanitation. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Work at a Habitat house and do the hard stuff - pick and shovel work. Your new vocation is mostly "white collar" work, so to speak. You need to know what it is to have callouses on feet and hands, have an aching back, smell like shit, and still have to go home, make dinner, and figure out algebra with your kid. Those blue collar and no collar people are the heart of your parish. When they ask "have you ever hauled hay all summer in 110 degree heat," you can say, "no, but I washed dishes at IHOP and that kitchen was tough!" Those connections mean a lot.
21. When your church has a "work day," get with the dirtiest crew and do it. There's a reason Habitat for Humanity refers to a new homeowner's work as "sweat equity." Your work is "sweat equity" in the congregation.
22. If you aren't familiar with the culture where you will serve, you will be the outsider. Some cultures are hard to break into. Be patient. Watch, listen and grow. Remember: it's your community and culture, now.
23. "At the Sem..." is a terrible verbal reason for anything. Find a different way of saying it. Most parishioners could care less about Seminary. If you need to cite a prof, say "A pastor told me..." It will have a little more credence than calling him a professor.
24. Regarding #20, above, also work for or with someone who has a reputation as a real hard-nosed, pain in the tookus. Why? Because there will be someone at your parish, on a board or committee, or just a member-at-large, with whom you will simply not agree and will not agree with you no matter what you say or do. Practice now being able to work with someone like that. Shocker: not everyone is going to like you. The reciprocal is likewise true. If you can at least come to respect each other and their desire toward the same goal, that helps. If you can't get that far, then it's part of the experience of working with people.
25. Admit it when you don't know, or that you need to think about something. Then, get back to whomever asked. Just don't forget.
26. There is a difference between reasons and excuses. Learn it. You can have the former; eschew the latter.
27. You will do things you never dreamed of because of your vocation. On my vicarage, the pastor and I helped a lady move from one apartment to another. Why? No one else would do it and she couldn't afford to pay for help. A couple years ago, I had to put down a deer that got caught in the fence behind the parsonage. Why me? The game warden was busy, and the deputy sheriff didn't finish the job correctly, so I had to do it. (You can read that story on this blog - search "deer" and you'll find it.) That isn't in any pastoral theology text. I know because I checked.
28. It's ok to have all the big feelings about work, home and life. There is a big difference between acting on them and feeling them. Passive aggressive behavior rarely ends well, even if it gets you what you wanted. Your first funeral of someone you are close to, or of a child, or a young parent who leaves behind a spouse and two kids, it will suck. Own the feelings. Try not to let them overwhelm you. To borrow from Ecclesiastics, "There is a time to mourn and a time to preach the Good News."
29. Hollywood drives culture. Be somewhat familiar with popular TV shows and movies. Ditto podcasts and literature. Quote when useful; borrow from and twist to make a point. (See #46, 48 & 49, below)
30. Watch, listen to, or read the news from good, solid sources. Occasionally dip into sources you disagree with (aka "left" or "right") because your people likely are not synchronous with your politics. This is ESPECIALLY important if they are mostly opposite you. And remember, at the end of the day, Christian nationalism and anti-Christian nationalism are as big an idol today as Baal was to Israel.
31. Laugh at stuff, not at people. The singular inverse is to laugh at yourself. That helps with...
32. Learn how to apologize and move on. You will make a mistake. It's only a question of when and how. But, learn, grow and push on without beating yourself up. Enough other people will do that for you, unfortunately. (I still struggle with this, to be honest.) There is also a difference between a mistake and a sin. Weigh your response appropriately, but you might be surprised how others react. Forgetting to pray for someone's anniversary is a mistake, but the couple might treat it as a sin against God, all mankind, as well as them.
33. Sometimes, you just gotta sin boldly. Understand that correctly, please.
34. Not everyone is going to like you and your decisions. If you want everyone to like you all the time, "go sell ice cream," (Nick Saban) "or tacos" (my daughter).
35. Keep blank calendar pages in your drawer and write down major events as they happened: "Jan 3, 2025 - Gilbert S. died" so you remember next Jan 3 to check in with his widow. If you use an e-calendar, set reminders for these things. See #15.
36. "Why do you ask?" is a great way to buy time, get more information, and frame your answer before answering.
37. If someone says, "you can trust me," start small with that assurance - if at all.
38. It can be very difficult having true friends within the parish. Be mindful and keep a good boundary. This will be hard for you and your wife, and the first time a "friend" betrays either or both of you within the church, it is devastating.
39. While you will often see the best of people, you will also be sadly disappointed at how your people don't love, care for, and trust each other. You will see the adage, "the church is the only army that shoots its wounded," be put into practice. You will be often reminded how good a swimmer the old Adam is. Do your best to not become jaded at them. If that happens, seek a pastor for private confession and absolution. Remember: Paul wrote a scathing first letter to the Corinthians, yet still called them saints.
40. You stand on the shoulders of the man who was there before you and you walk in his footsteps. Before you assume them to be LINO (Lutheran in name only), re-read the 8th Commandment and meaning, and then give him a call and play Columbo: "I've only been here a short time; can you help me understand this...?" You might disagree with his choices, but he probably had a reason he did what he did. It's entirely possible he was just burned out and trying to survive just one...more...day. I've been there. I hope you never are.
41. The Purple Paradox: The LWML is the greatest gift to the parish and pastor. The LWML is the greatest source of heartburn to the parish and pastor.
42. The David A. Rules, #1, #2, and #3. A good question to ask yourself before simply saying "no," is "Is there a way I can say yes, instead?" I call this my David A. rule #1. He works for a very powerful legal firm in their travel division, and he learned early on that "I can't make that happen," is a non-starter. "I am not always be able to say 'yes,'" he advised me, "but sometimes I can figure out a way to make things work." The David A. rule #2 is, when trying to achieve Rule #1, don't make mad the person you need to help you. When your copier breaks down, see #52, don't insult the tech because he or she wasn't there thirty minutes earlier. Like you, he or she is probably doing their best. The David A. rule #3 is, if (when) you blow up at someone by forgetting rule #2, be quick to apologize with humility.
43. I don't know what y'all do up North, but if you are heading to the South, learn to shake hands with people and look them in the eye. Do this when you meet and when you leave. Unless you are given permission, call older gentlemen and gentlewomen Mr and Mrs. with a last name. It's respect.
44. If you're not good with names, practice. It means a lot to be recognized and called by name. I took previous copies of the church directory and studied names and faces to connect the dots.
45. Be genuine; be yourself. If someone runs into you at the hardware store or the gas station, the man they see should be approximately what they see on Sunday. You're always a pastor, but you don't always have to be Pastor.
46. To borrow (#29) from the play JULIUS CEASAR: "The wicked that pastors do will live after them; the good is often interred with their bones." You'll hear the horror stories about the pastor who made an ugly comment, refused to commune someone, or who blew up in a voter's meeting. Try not to judge. You'll probably not hear the story about how he was at the hospital all night previous with a dying child, or whose own wife battled cancer, or who helped reconcile two feuding members.
47. If a kid says he plays soccer or she's in the band, go watch them play and let them know you saw them. If you haven't seen the family in church because of those events, talk to the parent, not the kid.
48. "Know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run." - Kenny Rogers. That applies to a lot of things in the parish. Not every hill has a cross to die on.
49. "Just because an ass is out in the field, hee-hawing, doesn't mean you have to pull over and argue." - Lt. Fancy to his nephew, a beat cop - NYPD Blue. Some people ain't worth arguing with, and some stuff ain't worth arguing about.
50. "We've always done it that way," will drive you nuts. In ten years, you'll find yourself saying it.
51. "You might be right," advice from Rev. John Behnken, is a great way to wrap an argument. You're not surrendering your point but you admit that maybe - no matter how slight the possibility - the other person is right.
52. The Copier Corollary is that the closer to a major event (Christmas, Easter, any given Sunday) the more likely those machines will mess up. Double this on Fridays after 11am and triple it on a Saturday. Learn how to do basic maintenance on a photocopier and computer printer. Also, make sure you always have at least 1 spare toner/ink cartridge on the shelf, and keep at least one ream of paper in emergency reserve.
53. Your calendar is a powerful tool. Whether it's old-school wall calendar, a desk diary, or your phone, plug stuff in - especially family time (see #12-14 above). If someone wants you to "do something real quick," if that time is blocked out you can honestly decline with the almost reverent intonation, "I'm sorry; my calendar won't let me." Let your calendar take the blame. It's surprising how that gets a different reaction than "I can't because I was going to..."
54. Get a dog. They're good for you. If allowed, take it to work.
55. At a church potluck, try a little of everything - or, at least put it in your plate. "I'm so full," is a completely acceptable stretch of the truth after tasting the mystery casserole and discovering why no one else put it on their plate. Learn to drink bad coffee and pretend it's good - or, at least, not that bad.
56. Find the kid or adult that is always overlooked. Make sure he or she knows you are their pastor, too. Show (appropriately) patience and kindness towards single moms and dads bringing their kids to church.
57. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually. Find a good GP, therapist, and pastor loci. An internet/zoom session is better than nothing if you can't find either of the last two locally. Take care of your wife and kids, too, but recognize that it is pretty tough to pastor your family. Defend your kids right to be "just kids." They don't have to know every answer in Sunday school. They will misbehave like every other kid. Don't scold them with "pastor's kids shouldn't do that." Ask that they not be introduced to others as "our pastor's wife/kids." They have names, not titles.
58. When a rookie officer graduates from Officer Candidate School or our service academies, a good senior officer will tell the newly commissioned person to listen to the senior non-commissioned officers below them. While there is a chasm between NCOs and officers, the rookie officers need to listen to the wisdom of those "below" them. The analogy is to listen to your board of elders and church council. They will look to you for leadership, as they should, but good leaders know how to listen. They have been part of your church long before you got there and if you one day take a call elsewhere, they'll still be there after you leave.
59. To that point, when the time comes, leave the parish better than you found it, if possible, so that the pastor who follows after you and stands on your shoulders (see #33) has solid footing.
60. If I had to give you a singular Bible verse to emblazon on your wall, Bible cover, laptop screen, and desktop, it would be this: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus," Romans 8:1. You will be inundated with the Law and Satan's twisting of the Law to guilt and shame you. You need that constant, daily - hourly!!! - reminder that the grace you proclaim is also for you to receive.
61. Bonus -Your best friend from college or seminary may not always be your best resource, especially if he is within a year of you for ordination. He does not yet have the experience needed to really be a mentor. When the fertilizer hits the air oscillation unit, you want a seasoned, prayerful, wise pastor to listen, guide, support or redirect you. Keeping #31 in mind, and not pretending to have great wisdom or insight, this is a blanket invitation to any young pastor to call me any time. I'll gladly listen and offer whatever help I can.
You can trust me, I hope (see #9), but I won't take it personally (see #12) if you don't call.
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